Blade vs Cullen
by earl52
Summary: Alright haha this isn't a serious story, it's a comedy/parody!
1. Chapter 1

Edward Cullen sat on the bench waiting for his love, Bella, to arrive. He had the hood of his sweatshirt covering his head so as not to cause him to sparkle. He stared at the squished piece of gum on the cement, wondering what despicable mortal could have wasted the gum. Then Edward heard the loud sound of an old rusty truck clucking down the street.

The old truck clucked up to Edward loudly, stopping with a _Chuck Chucka chuckkkaaa. _Out of the truck stepped the mildly attractive, and rather pale, Bella. She wore a blue shirt with jeans, and had her hair down.

"Hello Bella." Edward said turning his head away for no apparent reason.

"Uh, hi." she said awkwardly.

"Let's go Bella." he said oddly looking away dramatically.

"Alright." Awkward again. The two stood up and walked to the crappy truck. They turned on the radio and Paramore Decode blasted loudly (Shameless plug). As they were driving a 1968 Dodge Charger squealed around a corner. Edward spinned dramatically around to see the vintage car.

Inside the car was a man, quite scary and big compared to Edward, who wore all black. He had black sunglasses and a goatee with mustache. He sped up going into the wrong lane swerving traffic. He slowed when he was next to the truck and rolled down his window. He smiled an odd smile then reached into his glove compartment.

Bella and Edward were both very scared and Edward cowered behind her. She yelled

"What do you want?!?" Again he smiled that odd smile and lifted a very large pistol, almost shot gun like, to the open windows. Bang!

The truck swerved to side of the road crashing into a small office building. Edward, stunned, hopped out of the car and ran as the man in the Charger stepped out calmly. He had a long black leather coat and armor on his torso. The man was Blade.

Blade took off running, realizing he was too fast. He ran back took his car and pulled out and took off. He saw the young man running fast,_ like a spider monkey?_, and he pressed the gas harder. He smashed into the back of Edward flinging him over the car. Blade stepped out of the car and laughed.

"Now, I don't know if your considered a vampire? But you annoy the crap outta me. So... ya. Bye bye." Blade drew his long sword and plunged it into the chest of Edward. Edward did not explode into ash like vampires do. He simply lay there, bleeding. He coughed up blood and turned dramatically saying

"Bella, my love. I will see you in the afterli-." He died before he could finish, to Blade's relief. Blade took his sword back and put it back into its sheathe then walked away. He smiled that odd smile, stepping back in his car. He lit a cigarette and enjoyed it. Then he put his car in Reverse and ran over Edward's body with a _squish. _Then he pulled out, driving away into the twilight.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 (Funeral)

Esme and Alice stood over the caskets of Edward and Bella. Alice began to cry when Esme shooshed her.

"Silence Alice! We must be tough okay, for Edward and for Bella."

"Right, I'm sorry." she wiped away her tears. Alice turned away, looking around the room she did not recognize. She was curious just where they were, but didn't have the energy to ask. Just then, a door Alice didn't know was even there shot open and in walked Carlisle, furious.

"Oh my dear Edward, and Bella! Oh god who could've done this?!" He teared up at the thought. Carlisle placed his hand on the casket of Edward when a faint _Kliiick Kling _was heard from the inside of the casket. Carlsile stopped, and sighed as bullets flew out of the inside of the casket, into Carlisle's hand. He hopped back screaming as the doors of the casket blew open.

"Ahhhh!!!! Daddy!" Esme screeched as the mysterious killer of Edward and Bella, Blade, popped out of the casket with guns-a-blazing! He had two Uzi's shooting into Esme, Carlisle, and Alice. Alice fell to the floor screaming. She lied on her stomach and looked over as her sister's dead body fell to floor with a bang. Half of her head was missing and she twitched a few times before she was officially dead.

Carlisle stood upright, staring at Blade as he hopped out of the coffin, smiling.

"Look what you've done, you've killed my whole family, and now I assume your going to kill me also."

"You assume correctly _asshole_." Blade said as he slipped out a small blade and threw it into Carlisle's neck. His hand's flew up to his neck as he gasped for air but was cut short, literally, when Blade sliced his head off with a mighty strike. His body fell to the floor lifeless. Blade smiled his odd smile and walked away, _again,_into the;

Twilight.

The End


End file.
